What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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