Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize