he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
