Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Damn victory sex feels great
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
