The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
