you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
