eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize