It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
