my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
