You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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