I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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