the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
two words: eviction party
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
