so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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