You really coming over, don't trick.
She is in my trunk
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
