you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
