SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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