i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
