i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
