when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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