I think my fart just growled at me.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
