I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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