Sober January is a disaster.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
