Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
