Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
