Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
