Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
