Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
