dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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