How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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