the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
