guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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