Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You know, be my cock's hype man.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
