Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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