Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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