I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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