some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I am one with the molecules
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
