just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize