I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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