My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
