just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
