Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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