I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize