I think i sorta joined a cult last night
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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