just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
