Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Boobs are out for the taking
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
