yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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