So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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