I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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