did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
