You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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