I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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