You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
