how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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