I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Blood and glitter go together right?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
