I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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