Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
